The going is a little rough cross country, and sometimes our progress could more accurately be described as ‘falling’ rather than climbing, but I don’t want to be forced to stay the night in Nippton.
Sure I stayed overnight there a fair few times while I slowly looted the homes of its slaughtered inhabitants, but that was hardly my finest moment and I’d rather stay well clear.

It’s like a hundred voices cried out in pain, and then were silenced by the sound of sweet cash-money.

The burning homes really help bring out the sun-set.

Despite Joe’s attempt at mountaineering it’s getting late when we reach Nippton, but rather then stop we head north up through the canyons. By the time we reach the old train platform (the one where I’d once spent the night, back when I was fleeing Goodsprings), the sun is gone completely.

We rest there for the remainder of the night, but I set the Pipboy to wake us at six the next morning. I’m not normally a morning person, especially since I’ve become addicted to scotch, but we’re almost there now, and I’m eager to see how Goodsprings is fairing.

For the second time we leave the path I originally travelled when fleeing Goodsprings and we take a shortcut, cutting through the hills until we find the road north.
No stupid hangover is going to ruin my triumphant return.

We are attacked not long afterwards by a grey gecko. After fighting Fiends, Jackals, Nightstalkers, mutant wasps, raiders and countless other horrors, it’s actually a relief to see a grey gecko… which, all things considered, is basically dinner on legs.

It's like a post-apocalyptic meals-on-wheels

Ha! Who's the bad-ass now!?

I draw my gun and fire once, which is enough to kills the lizard and send it’s delicious, meaty body slumping to the ground.
And it’s not just good eating – as well as enough meat to feed me for a day or so, I’m also able to retrieve an impressive leathery hide from the gecko’s corpse.
I’ve really missed the simple ‘winner eats the loser and wears their skin as a cloak’ dichotomy of Goodsprings.

Home is where your potential financial empire begins

It’s not too much longer before we can see Goodsprings in the distance. Feels like coming home.

I spend the next few days catching up with the settlers here, visiting the ranchers and trading with the general store and the local doctor. I even make time to play a few hands of Caravan with ol’ No-bark; which was fortuitous since a winning streak left me almost 900 caps richer. Shiny!
Is it wrong to gamble with someone who is clearly mentally unstable… and then walk off with enough of their money to buy a small house? Ever since Joe went on the run from the strip, his behaviour had taken a turn for the better; but judging by his new cap count, that turn wasn’t going to last.
Oh, well – next to murdering an unarmed Powder Ganger, pillaging the desecrated town of Nipton, shooting puppies, leaving Goodsprings to the mercy of gangsters, looting countless murder victims, feigning a truce to lure Benny to his death, robbing graves and gunning down a mentally unstable mutant last time I was here, a little thing like defrauding the mentally ill hardly matters. Sure, I might be heading back to help Goodsprings now, but even taking that into account, that’s still a pretty long list of shame.
Grandma Lily stays in my room for most of this time… no need to scare the locals, and it’ll be better if she just stays inside.

Okay, I'm just going to pop out for a while. You stay here and... stay here.

I’m reminded yet again that I could just stay here, indefinitely living off the plunder of Nippton, but last time the boredom drove me half crazy. As Joe is a something of a greedy coward, the idea of hard work might seem like something he’d try to avoid. But back in Vault 101, with all of its comfort and security, also offered community and demanded that everyone put in an honest day’s labour.

After a few days’ rest, more than enough time to reintroduce the wonder of scotch to my life, it’s time to push on. The first store I want to set up will be a home base in Goodsprings, so I pick out a selection of items that Lily will carry for me. I don’t pack any merchandise myself because I am lazy need to keep my pack light in case we run into trouble.
Then we set off once more, again heading to the south.

We stop for the night at Wolfhorn ranch. A few of the plants in the fields hereabout seem to have grown back since last time I was here, so we spend the evening gathering it. We can always use the extra food, and with the previous owner long gone it’d just go to waste otherwise.
Oh, previous owner – I’m sure we’d be great friends if we ever met.

The pleasant peddler picked a peck of prickly pears

Oh the times we've had. The loot we've hoarded.

Tomorrow, Nipton.

I mean, Goodsprings would be a GREAT base of operations… I could set up in the station next to the Doc’s house. There is plenty of plant-life to collect, geckos to hunt, water to drink, people to spend time with… and a Saloon. I wasn’t brave enough to stand up to the Powder Gang back when I first arrived from the Capital Wasteland, but I’m TOTALLY brave enough to hide behind cover while Lily pounds them into mulch.
Okay, new plan! The franchise idea is still a go, but the base of operations can be in Goodsprings rather than Novac. What could possibly go wrong?

Lily and I have a lot of walking in our future – but it’s easier now. Walking, as a rule, is a tedious part of Joe’s reality in the wastes. There are no vehicles or pack animals available to him and I often have to retread the same small stretches of road over and over. Normally it’s a mind-numbing grind. But this walk has constantly changing scenery, a sense of going home and a specific goal we are heading towards.

Trading Post 188 is a welcome sight; both as a place to rest and because it offers a good chance to stock up on provisions for the next leg of our trip.
It’s good to see Veronica again, and she seems none the worse for ware after all she went through.

That awkward moment when your old business partner and current business partner met for the first time.

I take the time to pitch my idea to her. She needs to find supplies for her guildies, I want to set up a franchise to support my growing scotch addiction; What could be better than managing her own branch of Honest Joe’s Wonder Emporium: For the best deals on a wide assortment of goods for the home, office or wasteland (All remarkable bargains are sold ‘as-is’, and Honest Joe can bear no responsibility for missing parts, malfunctioning mechanisms or boxes that, in fact, turn out to be entirely empty). It’s win – win!
I take her silence on the issue as agreement and let her know I’ll be back with a delivery of rubbish to hock of to any suckers valuable product to trade with lucky customers.

We stay two nights at the trading post, and then set off on the next leg of our epic journey.

And by 'epic' I clearly mean 'sandy'.

Deserts suck. We trudge through the sand and dust, stopping under a road-sign to spend the night with a wondering stranger… the same wondering stranger that I spent time with back on my way TO New Vegas. At this stage I think that the ‘wondering’ component of his name is quite fairly in dispute.

I'll concede that 'Completely Stationary Stranger' doesn't have the same air of mystique about it.

The next morning I find I’ve made a bit of a mistake. Setting out I’ve tried to make sure we are carrying as little as we can, because I want us to be able to carry as much stuff for trading as possible when stocking my new stores. To do this I’ve only brought enough food and drink to last each leg of my trip – since I can restock at each new destination.
What I failed to account for is that I’m drinking quite a bit of alcohol to hold off my scotch addiction, and that alcohol is causing me to dehydrate.
I have a choice – double back to the trading post and pick up extra water, or press on to Novac. As much as I hate dehydration, I hate the super-slow walking even more. I’ll push on – but I’m going to have to let up on the boozing for a short while. Goddamnit!

The slow trudging march through the desert is now far less fun. At this stage Joe is literally addicted to scotch and the withdrawal effects have begun to set in.
We eventually arrive at the service station that I was planning to make my home base. In retrospect, while the building is perfect for a store, its location is atrocious. At my normal walking pace it takes the better part of a day to get from the station to Novac – and its smack in the middle of an uninhabited desert. It would have been a terrible idea.

I wanted to visit some place expensive. From what I've read of the old world, this place is about as expensive as it got.

We stay a night in the adjoining garage, and before I head off to sleep I pull out the map of the Mojave. Looks like we are taking the long way around. If I’d settled on a plan sooner we could have travelled straight from the Safe house to Goodsprings. Although all the signage in Goodsprings had suggested that it was an unwise idea, it could have saved me HEAPS of walking. Not much I can do about it now, but worth bearing in mind for later.

One more day of walking and Dinky comes into sight off in the distance. I’m pretty happy to see that goofy statue again… and not just because it means that I’ll be able to start drinking again.

Shine on, you crazy Dino!

The fine folk of Westside don’t freak out at the sight of Lily… Which I thought was a little odd until I remembered that Meansonofabitch lives here. We bump into him almost as soon as we enter main-street and I figure I should let him know about Jacobstown while I’m here. I’m sure he won’t want to rush off and leave Westside, but he should know that there is a whole settlement of mutants out there.

Well, aren't you a pair!

NO! Yes, I'm sure that's not Grandfather!

So, first person to visit, that guy who runs the liquor store. Old whatshisname. You know, that guy. That crazy old guy!
What good times we’ve had! Buying liquor. Drinking liquor. Going back and buying MORE liquor. Drinking that liquor. Going back and demanding yet more liquor. Being told that I’ve already consumed all the liquor and there is no more liquor to be had.. Good times!

I buy all the scotch he has… and the whisky. And the vodka. And the absinth. I find myself getting weak and grumpy when I don’t get my daily scotch, but this should hold back the demons while I’m on the road.
We stay in Westside the night, and I sleep soundly… which might be due the bottle of scotch I threw back before bed.

Pack freshly stocked with enough booze to open my own bar I’m ready to roll. Lily and I set off again. I plan to head east, giving Freeside and The Strip a wide miss, and then turn south.

With a slightly drunk Joe, a giant blue mutant and the Pipboy blearing music, it’s not a massive surprise when we are attacked by a small group of raiders. I don’t even bother to draw a weapon, since Lily easily offs the first two and chases the third a short way before pounding him into a sticky goo too. Travelling with an over-protective Nightkin Grandmother certainly has its advantages.

Granny's got a little present for ya! Taste grandmotherly justice!

I have to say, it feels a little odd… maybe even wrong… to be looting their corpses. Normally there is a certain ‘law of the jungle’ aspect to the whole thing – They attack me, I defend myself, I get their stuff. Natural justice if you will. In this case it’s more like I sat about drinking while a goon beat the snot out of them for me.

Still, Lily doesn’t seem interested in taking her just reward…. Let’s just think of this as her thoughtful gift to Joe, eh?
“Oh, Lily – a present for me? Oh, look – it’s someone else’s stuff! It’s just what I always wanted!”

It takes two days to find the road south, substantially longer then it would have taken to just head through Freeside. But even if I’m not a wanted man in Freeside any more, Lily isn’t particularly inconspicuous and could draw attention.
When we do find the way south there is a trader heading the same direction as we are, so I meander drunkenly along beside them for a short way.

Booze. I'ma looking for moar booze.

It doesn’t last too long, and a wee while later we bid them farewell when Lily and I stop in the ruin of a hut to try and get a little sleep.
After that it’s just the long road to the south.

Soooo, anyone know any good ghost stories?

It's just not the same without a girl hiding in the shrubs

The few NCR patrols we pass don’t seem to mind the fact that a mutant in a pretty floral bonnet is following me about. Which is nice. I suppose that they have worse things to worry about with the Legion running about.

Next stop Trading Post 188!

I need food. And Scotch. But mostly food. And also, scotch.

I have to go. The living legend needs eggs!

When I go to farewell Lily she offers to walk with me back to Westside. Can’t say no to an armed escort.
No, seriously. I can’t say no. Lily is one pushy grandmother.
Still, it’ll be nice to have some company on the road.

She does have an oddness to her.

So, sun in the sky, water in my pack, the radio on; Joe forsakes the safety of Jacobstown, heading once again into the wasteland.
Somewhat ironically, Lily and I come across several plants growing sweet, eatable food. Ostensibly this is a good thing, but I can’t help but feel slightly annoyed that I found them only after I really needed them.

This food is problematic

The light fades into dusk, but I decide to push on through and keep walking. I want to make it to the Follower’s safe house before stopping.

The safe house certainly is a sight for sore eyes. Plentiful food, piles of supplies and a water fountain that just keeps on giving. As a bonus Doctor Luria was visiting to re-stock the fridges, and I felt no shame in packing my pockets with free food.

You can't say what you won't do 'cause you know that you just might

"Lily just gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?"
"Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up."
"I hope she does the soup thing. It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it."

The next morning I awake will a full belly and contented smile. But it’s not long before I’m faced with the prospect of having to decide what to do next. I could stay here, although there isn’t really much to entertain me. I could collect the massive amount of food here and head back to Jacobstown, but other than encounters with nightstalkers there’s not a lot for me to do there either. I’m not sure it’s safe to return to Freeside or the Vegas Strip, but I could head back to Westside and try setting up shop there.

The more I think about it, the more setting up a store appeals to me. There is a surprisingly large amount of rubbish that I left at the safe house before fleeing up to Jacobstown. There is more than enough to jumpstart a small store.
And thanks to Grandma Lily, moving all this stuff will be simple… A great deal more simple, at least, then convincing her that Joe doesn’t need her constantly looking out for him.

And so a plan is born. I will set up a brand new store.
Now I just have to figure out where.

I spend the next few days hanging out at the safe house, trying to make up my mind. I loved having a store in Freeside, but I wouldn’t want to risk living there again. On the way to Vegas from Goodsprings I did encounter a number of places that might make good places to set up… any one of them is quite workable.
The pressure involved in making a decision is so much that I decide to just lay about in bed for a few days instead.

Or I could stay in bed. Sleeping IS easier

It wasn’t a complete waste of time… I made time to read a few interesting books, including one on lockpicking. And I also drank a lot of scotch. A LOT of scotch.
And that’s when it hit me: Why set up one store? Back in the Capital Wasteland I set up Honest Joe’s Wonder Emporium in Canterbury Commons with Clover, but once that was up and running I was considering franchises in Megaton and Tennpenny Towers. I could set up a chain of Honest Joe’s across the Mojave!

I start looking over my resources and options. Jacobstown is friendly enough, there is room in the main lodge to set up a small stall and Lily should be able to look after it. Maybe. Perhaps with Calamity’s help.
One potential store location was at the 188 Trading Post where I originally met Veronica. She did say I could find her there if I ever needed her… perhaps she could look out on a store there!
I would love to have something in or around Freeside and The Strip. I am on very good terms with the Followers of the Apocalypse – perhaps one of them could run a stall there? I can sneak in and out via the tunnels from Westside.
And last (but not least) there was an old petrol station near Novac that I could run myself.
Once the stores are set up I can do a trading run from Novac to Jacobstown and back. Make sure each stall was stocked, using the old station as a base of operations.

There is one outstanding problem… how will ol’ Joe get enough product to stock four stores all at once? Simple, in my room back in Novac is my loot chest. A whole town’s worth of random crap. Everything from when I ransacked the ruins of Nipton. A whole settlement of resources… ready to go on sale.

With renewed purpose I begin to look through my belongings. I’ll want to travel light so I can carry as much merchandise back as I can. I can leave all the rest here, and redistribute it to my local affiliates once they have been set up.
The next morning Lily and I set out on the road to Novac. It’ll be a long Journey, but that’s okay – it’s probably going to take that long to explain to Lily what I’ll want her to do.

We’re not long on the road when my Pipboy warns of imminent danger.
With open desert all around we’d been following the ruins of a highway down towards Freeside. I’d been so caught up in my dreams that I’d neglected to scout ahead, and somehow I hadn’t noticed two Cazzadorees closing on us.
I barely escaped one, this is going to be the end of Joe… Good Bye, cruel world… I never wanted it to end like thi….

This opens up a whole world of engaging opportunities

Err… what? They’re dead?
The speed with which Lily despatched the winged devils was both phenomenal and somewhat scary. With her giant hammer she flattened the bugs like… well… like bugs.

This is going to be a good trip.

The hiiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiive, with the sound of muuuuuuuuusic!

Days might fly by when I’m not doing much, but I need the same amount of food while I’m sitting about as I would if I were spending the day exploring a ruin or some old world site… and food is running out.
The mutants survive off of Bighorner meat, but none of that is coming my way. My own stock of food from the Followers of the Apocalypse’s safe house is almost gone, and Calamity isn’t bringing enough spare food back from her trading trips for me to just survive off of trades.
But even if she did have the food to trade my way, I’ve already traded most of the rubbish from the uninhabited cabins hereabouts… if I don’t find more items to trade soon, I’ll have to start trading away ammo or other items important for my survival.

I have made a few timid, exploratory trips to the hills around Jacobstown, but I’ve been unable to find any game, and the only plant life I’ve found is the odd lone xander root. That’s not going to keep me feed for any amount of time!
My only choice is to venture further afield and see what I can find.

Must. Not. Make. Obvious. Pun.

Day 1:
Nada.

Day 2:
I find another Xander root. Spectacular.
It would take 5 or so of these to feed me just for one day, but it’s better than nothing.

Not exactly the sort of root I was hoping for..... (sorry, couldn’t help myself)

Day 3:
Going to have to push further out. Wearing armour… just in case.
Today I thought that my luck was looking up. I found a honey mesquite tree…
And then I noticed a flicker of a bright-orange wing. Holy motherf&#*ing Cazadores.
I back up and then RUN all the way to Jacobstown. God damn Cazadores.

Well... a small improvement is still an improvement

Let's see what's down here and OH, MY GOD

Day 4:
Nothing.
On the bright side, Calamity must have made a trading trip, because she has a little more food. Also, another two bottles of scotch. If worst comes to worst I’ll give up on food entirely and live off of sweet, sweet scotch. Scotch and rage.

Day 5:
Drank all the scotch.
MMMMMMMMmmm. Scotch burns away the hunger.

Day 6:
Found no food.
Also, have a raging headache. Perhaps related to my sad lack of scotch.

Day 7:
Behold: Joe the mighty hunter!
Today found a small family of Mantises. One of them managed to get its claws into me, but all things considered things went really well.
Have a fair number of Mantis Legs now. Sadly, I don’t have any wine or I could cook up some grilled Mantis… although, who am I kidding? If I had wine I’d just drink it and try to pretend it was scotch.
Still, I can trade them to Calamity for something I can actually eat.

Mate, you're really BUGGING me. (Comedy GOLD! Wait, there's more!)

Say back, I know how to kills bugs... with my BEE BEE gun! (Oh god, I'm good!)

Day 8:
Ate the last of the Bighorner steaks that I brought with me from the safe house. I’ve still got food I traded from Calamity, but things might get unpleasant soon.
Was having a fairly good day – found more Xander root and another honey mesquite tree. Then stumbled across a door in the side of the mountain. I love doors! “Why not take a look”, I ask myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

If anything, this proves that I can't learn from my past mistakes

Inside I found a shack that seems to lead to a deserted mining operation. Judging from the Pre-war instant meal I find, this place had been abandoned for a while.
I found a whole lot of pretty great stuff in there… a book on picking locks, ammo and some exciting looking explosives. If I had been ‘prospecting’ rather than slowly starving to death, that place would have been quite the find.
It was getting dark, but I decided to take a peek inside the mine itself before bedding down for the night in one of the spare bunks.

Come on, lockers... daddy needs something to eat.

Oh good... More caves. I love caves. And last time I explored a case everything just went SO well

Nothing. Oh, well... nothing is better than claws, I guess

The tunnels seemed long abandoned. After checking through the crates found at the back of one dead end, I backed up to try a different path. And that’s when I found them. Lots of them. Cazadores. Motherf&#$ing Cazadores.

I fled the tunnel… it was really my only option since the way forward was basically just a blur of bright orange wings. As I stumbled forward I could feel them ripping at my leather armour, which all at once felt too thin and flimsy by half, but I had little choice but to bolt for the door.

OHGAWD- STINGERS ARE WORSE THAN CLAWS!

I finally made it to the exit and slammed the thin wooden door behind me.
It’s a little known fact that, despite the ability to tear through power-armour with no problem, Cazadores are deathly afraid of wood. It drains them of their wasp-y powers and they avoid it at all costs.
At least I assume that’s true… since the rather flimsy wooden-plank door was able to keep that vast horde of them imprisoned in the caves and away from me.

Let's thank our good and fluffy Lord for the magical power of wooden doors

With the Cazador poison still coursing through my system I just stood, watching the door with my finger on the trigger of my shotgun. Not that the shotgun would do any good should the flock break through… but it gave me the illusion of safety, and I was willing to take what I could get.
When at last I felt well enough to leave I stumbled out into the night… and ran right into two wild Bighorners.

Food! Better late than never.

Yay, I guess… it would have been nice to find them BEFORE I was half-starved and trapped in a cave with mutant wasps from hell… but I’ll take what I can get. At least I’m eating meat tonight.
Limping back to town is less work knowing that there is BBQ waiting for me.

After a few more encounters, none of which went quite as badly as our last battle, Lily and I come to a cavern noticeably bigger than any of the ones we’ve seen before. In the middle of the room lay a number of corpses – including a Bighorner and one poor nightkin mutant whose luck had obviously run out.

At this stage, the fact that the room seems otherwise empty is not going to fool me. Standing at the entrance I toss a bunch of grenades into either side of the chamber. It has the desired effect and blood appears as if from thin air, while several fast-moving blurs start to make their way towards us.
Thankfully, the grenades even the odds significantly, so Lily and I aren’t too out matched by the small horde that attacks us.

Well, lady, I must say, you're my kind of stupid.

So what is the reward for our combat prowess? Joe undertakes a search of the pile of corpses in the middle of the chamber – I prefer to think of this behaviour as ‘thorough’, rather than ‘obsessive’ and/or ‘morbid’.

The only thing of even mild interest is a stealthboy, which was found on the body of the nightkin. Or it would be interesting if it wasn’t for the fact that it had been thoroughly chewed on. *sigh*

Still, this could be the answer to why we were sent here in the first place – the nightstalkers could be getting their cloaking powers from this device somehow. Everyone knows that the best way to utilise advanced, futuristic technology is just to bite into it… or something.
Regardless of how it’s supposed to work, I’m pretty sure that this is the answer to the puzzle of the nightstalker’s strange cloaking abilities, so all that remains now is getting out of this hell-hole.

Lets divide the loot, eh? Ten percent of nuthin' is...let me do the math here...nuthin' into nuthin'...carry the nuthin'..."

Lucky for ol’ Joe, the pipboy must have some kind of GPS/Accelerometer combo, because it has inbuilt mapping functions that we can follow outta here. By the time we re-trace our steps out of this Vaultec-abandoned cave it’s late at night, but the sweet, open, nightstalker-less outdoors is sweet relief.

Sweet freedom!

We head back to Jacobstown, but there is no point in visiting the doctor right away. Instead I head back to my cabin to rest up and bandage my wounds. I suggest to Lily that she do the same, but like any fussing grandmother she wanted to come with me to make sure I was okay.
Fair enough… she can fuss over me, but I’m applying the bandages myself!

NO!!! No! Really, I'm fine... I can set this bone myself.

I almost sleep-in the next morning, and while I do deserve a nice sleep-in, I want to get this over and done with. The trip took a toll on my health and my resources, but if it means that my mountain hideaway is safe from the threat of schizophrenic mutants it’ll all be worth it. Right?
Lily and I head over to the main lodge, where I have a chat with Dr Henry.

The news wasn’t good. The doctor agrees that the nightstalker’s invisibility was due to chewing on the damaged stealthboy… (because ‘SCIENCE!’, I guess). But he was counting on the Nightstalker’s stealth ability being genetic in nature. With no alternative stealth method to examine he believes, he’s come to a dead end.
GORAM IT! So basically, Lily and I bled all that blood for no reason.

But it turns there is a plan B. Dr Harry has a very rare Mark II Stealthboy prototype. His hypothesis is that he might be able to get data from testing that instead.
Oh… Oh good. That’s… good. Well, I’m sure glad you didn’t mention that this was an option before sending Lily and me into the dark pit of pointed teeth. ‘Cause seeing those teeth up close was a real adventure and I’d have hated to miss out on that… because it was such an… ‘experience’.

You want to kill him? Or maybe just hurt 'em a little? Because right now I'd be cool with that.

There is a down side; Dr Henry also notes that there could be some risk to trying the Mrk II Prototype… it’s more powerful than the normal stealthboy, so its negative effects are also likely to be stronger. Lily is happy to try, but I’m not thrilled at the idea. Lily doesn’t seem to fully understand what’s happening at the best of times, so I’m not sure that she really understands the risks of what she’s going to be asked to do. After our shared experience in combat I’m pretty fond of her, and I’d hate it if something happened.
But my misgivings aside, Lily wants to go ahead. I suppose if she wants to risk herself for a chance to help others of her kind I’ve no right to stand in her way.

The initial experiment seems fine; Lily vanishes and then repairs without a hitch. Doc Henry has his initial data, and his assistant Calamity sets right to analysing it, but Henry wants additional data that can only be retrieved if Lily is willing to use it over a prolonged period of time. Yay?

Let's ride right past the part where you explain exactly what that means.

But things never go smooth for Joe. Just as I think that everything is going to turn out alright, in bursts Keene. And he’s got two other nightkin with him. And he looks pissed. Really, really pissed.
He’s ranting and raving, demanding the MrkII prototype, saying that he and his people will take it and leave.
Now, that’s bad on multiple levels. We don’t want the MrkII prototype taken, we don’t want the half-crazy nightkin to ‘fall off the wagon’ while roaming the wastes unsupervised and, most importantly, I don’t want them beating me with those massive hands… they look hurty.

I wasn't looking for a fight… Always do seem to find one, though.

It looks like it’s all about to kick off, but I may have an ace up my sleeve… and by ‘ace’ I mean a copy of the magazine ‘Meeting People’. It’s apparently just the thing when you’re looking to convince someone to listen to you. Let’s see how it does!

Okay… so greet in an open and friendly manner, offer to help. Okay, I can do this!
“Mellow greetings, Keene. What seems to be your boggle?”
Still looks angry. Let’s try a compliment.
“You are an incredibly sensitive mutant, who inspires joy-joy feelings in all those around you.”
No? Not impressed? Fair call.
How about, the advice for violent conflict? Let’s see: approach maniac, demand that he lie down with hands behind his back.
Hmmm, okay, what if the maniac replies with a scornful remark? Oh, here it is: repeat ultimatum in an even firmer tone of voice. Add the words, “or else”.
Nope – poor reaction.
Okay, so… perhaps the Dilbert approch:
“Look, Keene. Let me assure you, we are endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of your group!”
GOLD!

Keene seems to have been convinced that waiting for the doc to finish his research is the best idea. Calm is restored… and with any luck the doctor’s research won’t be too much longer.
There is still the small matter of the apparently unnecessary trip Lily and I were sent on, but I still have my legs, so I’m still calling this a win.

"Well, look at this! Appears we got the information just in the nick of time. Whaddya suppose that makes us?"

"Big damn heroes."
"Ain't we just!"

Before taking the plunge I suggest we talk strategy. These creatures are deadly, poisonous and fast… so I have a plan I’ve named, “Hide-behind-the-giant-blue-mutant”.
I’ve put a lot of work into it and I think that I’m on to a real winner. Basically what we’re going to do is have the giant blue mutant take the lead, while I basically just hide behind the giant blue mutant.
What do you think? Because I think its strategic gold.

We head north into the cave. It is pitch black. I am likely to be eaten by a gr… wait… no… wrong game. *Phew*
Sitll, I really regret the lack of a torch or a match in my inventory, because through the darkness I can hear the slavering fangs, razor-sharp claws and horrible gurgling noises.

We follow the narrow path straight down into the heart of the cave complex.
Glowing fungi provide a scant light, and as we head into the first chamber there are the remains of a campsite lay scattered about. A campfire, sleeping area and storage boxes all look very welcoming… if you were to ignore the skeletal remains of the previous owner and the fact that the mattress is deeply stained by the bodily fluids of the same.

Surprisingly, this does not fill me with confidence.

I briefly paw through the contents of the storage crates, and although most of the contents are destroyed I do find one or two items that I might be able to trade with Calamity. I’m sure it’s what this poor soul would have wanted.

Not sure where to go now. Our goal here is to see if we can figure out how the local nightstalkers are turning invisible, but we really have no idea what specifically we are looking for or where we should go to find it. In the end I have to make a decision and I just pick the tunnel that looks the least scary.

Once we start exploring the new tunnel it doesn’t take long for us to encounter our first nightstalker. Operation “Hide-behind-the-giant-blue-mutant” worked splendidly and Lily is more than happy to engage the creature in melee combat. Hell – If anything Lily seems a little TOO happy, hacking into the Nightstalker with her sword. Gleeful, even.

Looks like we got some imminent violence!

I try to help out with my shotgun whenever there is a clear path, but I have to be careful not to accidently shoot Lily. Not only is it just plain bad manners to shoot your allies, but I’d hate for Lily to take it the wrong way and decide I was the one in need of a smashing.

Once the dust settles Joe is completely unharmed, but I’m unpleasantly surprised by the injuries that Lily sustained during the battle. My assumption that I’d just be able to hide behind her for the duration of our adventure might be quite wrong, because she took a lot more damage than I suspected she might.

Further exploration of the cave system does little to improve my grim forecast of potential failure, as we happen upon the bones of yet another poor soul who lost their life in the caves.
The real tragedy is that none of their belongings survived and there is nothing else of value amongst the remains. Because… err… you know… so that Joe would have something to remember them by…

"Well, I was right about this being a bad idea."

As we continue, the tunnel floor drops away and leads us into another cavern, this one flooded with stale water. Just more evidence that the universe hates me, because if anything could make the dark caves and invisible monsters worse, it’s wet shoes.

Again we have to pick which tunnel to head down. But, before Joe can make up his mind, there’s a snarl and ripples start to appear in the water.
In a sudden panic Joe backs up away from the water and back into the steep incline of the tunnel we originally came from. My eyes are so focused on the ripples in the water, growing and coming closer, that I never noticed the shimmer in the tunnel behind me…
Joe stumbles backwards as the jaws of a different, unseen nightstalker sink into his leg – ripping the flesh and breaking the bone.
Luckly for Joe he has a guardian angel: Lily charges into battle and sends the creature sprawling.

We're not gonna die. We can't die, Lily. You know why? Because we are so...very...pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.

I could try to help… but at the bottom of the tunnel, where the water meets the stone, the water has stopped rippling. A shotgun blast down the tunnel reveals the snarling face of the original nightstalker as its stealth field fails. Things are looking… bad. Very, very bad.

Lily is fighting hard, but is now badly hurt. I’m in better condition, but limping heavily and my shotgun is not nearly as effective as it needs to be if we are going to escape this situation. Rather than continuing my pointless volly of fire, I try to get close enough to Lily to administer a super-stimpack in the hope that it will be enough to keep her going.

And then I hear Lily give a howl of pain and snarl a blood-curdling snarl. She then proceeds to have a complete metal break – her strength is renewed and she starts to cut into the nightstalkers, strikes powered by pure rage. It seems creepy inviable Leo has come out to play.
I don’t want to risk getting caught up in her berserker rage, so I back up and open fire with the shot gun.

Once both nightstalkers have been defeated there is a brief moment of uncertainty, the effects of her psychotic break flickering across Lily’s face. After a few brief moments her eyes clear and she relaxes the grip on her weapon. This is good, because I’d hate to have to lay a smack-down… although in this case, rather than violence, smack-down refers to the sound my feet would make as I flee from her.

Okay… what now? I want to head back… this was all far too dangerous for Joe. But Lily wants to keep going and there is no way I’m going anywhere in this cave system alone. And so onwards into the black we go.

Regardless of true motivations I do go in each morning and spend some time reading the notes. Not sure I’ll be able to spot anything in there that Doc Henry and Calamity haven’t seen, but an extra set of eyes can’t hurt.
And since the nightkin live all around me it would be a good thing if we could find some sort of cure for their insanity. A sane community is a happy community!

I can help! I'm an expert at the machine that goes *BING*

Plus, honestly, it’s just nice to have a reason to get out of the hut. Sitting around all day doing nothing wasn’t really the life I was born for.
I might have been less keen to help out if I had anticipated that Doctor Henry would end up asking me a favour. Apparently no good deed goes unpunished.

Apparently the good doctor’s research has come to a standstill. He’s looking into less harmful cloaking for the broken-minded nightkin (one that won’t drive them mad) and he had been researching the local nightstalkers which, unlike normal nightstalkers, seem to be able to turn invisible naturally. He’d like me to visit the cave where they live and see if I can figure out why.
What’s a nightstalker, you ask? Imagine a hyena with a giant snake head and a rattlesnake tail.
Errr.. no. Did the fact I’m a member of the Followers of the Apocalypse make you think I was suicidal? My apologies for the mix up. I decline your offer to go hunting through the lair of hundreds of unholy abominations for you. Jacobstown is packed with freaken super mutants. SUPER mutants. Send one of them.

The doctor calms me down and explains that I wouldn’t be going in alone. One of the mutant residents has been getting annoyed with the nightstalkers because they have been killing Jacobstown’s life stock. All I have to do is accompany them.
Well… I suppose. Fair enough, I’m in.
So, who is this mutant? This creature that I’ll be trusting my life to?
Lily?!?! The insane mutant grandmother? Can I reconsider? No? Goddamnit!

What the hell have I got myself into?

I did agree, so I’m left with little choice – I change into my leather armour and head out to the ranch to meet up with Lily, who is still tending the Bighorners.

No granny, I don't want to see what surprise you have for me...

Lilly is just as grandmotherly and kind as last time I met her, but like all nightkin, she struggles with a ‘broken mind’ brought on by excessive Stealth Boy usage; and she frequently mentions someone named Leo, who seems to be the manifestation of her schizophrenia… Leo makes her do “bad things” and tells her “who to chop”. Oh, also… he’s standing right next to her, apparently. Yay?
Well, as long as he only tells Lily to chop the nightstalkers, we’ll get along okay.

No, no. You go on ahead... I'll just stand back here.

Oh, this will go well…

[Failing Fallout will return to twice weekly updates, starting next week!]

I think it’s about time I worked up the courage to visit the lodge. Up to now my contact with the mutants has been on my terms and it’s mostly been limited to quick greetings. I generally see them when I take one of Joe’s daily walks around the lake, I say hello and go on my way. None of the mutants seem particularly interested in talking with me (other than Marcus and Lily, who’s still convinced I’m her grandchild), but nor do they seem to mind me meandering about the place.
But I still haven’t been inside the main lodge that most of the mutants call home. The time has come to put on my man-pants and make a little bit more of an effort the get to know the locals.

The first thing I notice is that inside the lodge there are a lot of blue skinned mutants. They are the ‘broken-minded’ that Marcus set up Jacobstown to help (they have used stealthboys so much it’s broken their minds – they dislike being visible and HATE people looking at them). The only ‘nightkin’ mutants I’ve meet up to this point have been the one I killed in Novac and grandmother Lily, and they were both clearly insane (albeit in very different ways).
I take care not to stare at any of the blue mutants, but one in particular seems to be staring at me – I figure I should say hello.

Not too Keene to see me, eh? God, I'm good.

Big guy’s name is Keene… and he is not anywhere happy to see me as Marcus or Lily were. He goes so far as to declare that he hates humans because they look at him. Noted, big guy. Had I met Keene somewhere else I might be worried, but Marcus keeps this place under control and while Keene’s not too personable, he isn’t aggressive towards me. Have to resist the urge to deliberately stare just to see what would happen.
It is enough of a worry that I’ll remember to keep well away from the blue mutants in the future.

I head up the stairs and take a poke around. For the most part there are just a bunch of individual bedrooms, obviously used by the various mutants that live within. Not many are occupied at the moment (most of the mutants are outside), but those that are inhabited tend to be occupied by the green-skinned super mutants that don’t mind me visiting (even though they rarely have anything to say to me).
One empty room is filled with drugs and booze – it obviously belongs to one of the blue nightkin who are fighting their stealthboy addiction, so I’m careful not to touch a damn thing. The next room had an old pinball game machine in it – but I couldn’t figure out how it works. Still, it’s the only one of its kind that I’ve ever seen.

He's got such a supple wrist

After wandering about the back rooms of the lodge I end up back in the main foyer, and decide to take a peek into the two big rooms off either side. The room to the left is full of nightkin, so I quickly leave; but the room on the right is a massive science lab that has an even bigger surprise in store. People. Real non-mutant people.
Specifically, a human doctor named Henry and a female ghoul named Calamity.

It’s a relief to speak to another human again, and his mere presence here is confirmation that Jacobstown is a safe enough place for Joe to hang out.

Henry is happy to chat whenever he’s not busy researching a cure for the nightkin addiction.
But even better, it turns out that his research assistant Calamity is also the person who takes the Bighorner meat and pelts to market. Just so happens that she has a stockpile of personal items (including food), and is happy to take any spare items I have in trade.
This is a good thing, because while there is plenty of water up here, I’m about a third of the way through the food I brought from the Follower’s safe house. I’m welcome to stay in Jacobstown, but there doesn’t seem to be any places to find food – most of the places nearby have been picked clean. I’m able to do a little trading with Calamity to boost up my supplies.

You wanna explain to me exactly how you got yourself all corpsified?

This place isn’t so bad at all! Confirmation that my hide-a-way is safe, someone to trade with and a real human to chat with. Things are looking up for ol’ Joe.